We've been having grey days here in Portugal for some time now. It's been a very rainy winter. Not the best weather to be outside.

I still go out for a few runs even when it's raining, but when it's very windy at the same time, I really don't feel like being outdoors. So this winter has been inviting me to stay more at home, to be more introspective. I wouldn't mind if the weather was a bit better, but this is probably what I need at the moment - an invitation to be more with myself.

Travelling changed me in some way. Obviously not my essence, but it made me see life from a different perspective - or, more precisely, it broadened my view on life. I don't think life should be this sequence of events that we've been taught to follow: go to school, start working, make as much money as possible, worry about the future and all the things that can go wrong so that you always have enough money. Get married, have kids, and work until you retire.

I'm at a stage in my life where people expect me to make decisions about what to do with it - where to live, which career to focus on. These are the questions many relatives and friends keep asking me. Sometimes I think I have the answers; other times I have no idea. And in those moments, I just give an answer that makes sense at the time, even though I don't really have anything definitive.

I'm done with having to decide everything about my future. I accept that I don't have all the answers. I've decided to live day by day, and to allow my opinions - and my answers to other people's (and my own) questions - to change from one day to the next.

I have an idea of what I want for my life, but I don't yet know what the first step should be.

There's one thing I know for sure: I cannot go back to a corporate job. I would feel miserable if I made that decision again. I don't want to be stuck doing something I don't like. I don't want to be surrounded by people with whom I don't share the same ideas about what life should and can be. I believe life has so much more to offer than the typical path we were taught to live. There is freedom to choose. There are so many opportunities out there - many of them offering more joy and freedom than what I've experienced so far.

I feel like I have a million things I want to share here, and maybe that's why this post feels a bit chaotic.

I do feel uncertain about what I want my life to become (more on a mental level), but there's one thing I know for sure: I don't want my decisions to be made out of fear. I want them to be made out of love. I don't want to go back to the corporate world because I'm afraid I won't earn enough money or won't have a proper pension when I retire. I want to make decisions based on what feels loving and aligned at the moment I make them.

No decision is irreversible - I'm free to change course along the way. I'm here to experience life through the choices I make, moment by moment. I don't have to decide my entire life all at once. So I'm not here now to decide which professional path to take - finance, Chinese medicine, or something else. I'm here to see what is showing up in my life and to explore what I feel called to.

There are a few things calling me these days: community living, seasonal work, nature, travelling...

But before continuing with this, I want to go back to my last weeks in India and explain why I decided to come back to Portugal.

Goa was an incredible experience. I already wrote about it, so there's no need to repeat myself. I was enjoying being there - enjoying the travelling and the ideas I had for future destinations: Sri Lanka, and later going back to India to explore the south, like the state of Kerala. There were so many places I could have visited. I could have continued travelling for longer.

And I'm sure I would have kept enjoying it. But I felt it was time to come back to Portugal, for a practical reason - a financial one.

I travelled for 8 months using only my savings. I had no income to support my expenses, so it was only a matter of time before the money ran out. I realised I didn't want to return to Portugal with an empty bank account. Being in that situation would probably have created a sense of urgency, pushing me to make decisions quickly. Most likely, I would have chosen the safer option: going back to Budapest to work in finance in the corporate world - which I don't want.

Ending my travels earlier gave me something valuable: time.

- First, time to integrate everything I experienced. So much happened. I came back as a different person, returning to a "world" where nothing has really changed. It's hard to adapt. But do I really want to keep adapting?

- Second, time to avoid making decisions based on fear - especially the fear of running out of money. 

Somehow, I feel I will go back to India. There's so much I want to discover, and a few places I want to return to. I even got myself a 5-year visa.

But now it's time to find other ways of making money - ways that don't drain me - and to seek experiences that bring me joy. I've stopped wanting a long-term plan for my life. I just want to stay aware enough to respond to life as it unfolds, making choices that feel right, choices made from love rather than fear.

PS: below, a few photos from the dance workshop I attended in Goa.